Why did I decide to scroll down my Tumblr dashboard in the library just as 3 girls from my class were walking behind me. And why did 7 sex related gifs in a row decide to present themselves on my dashboard at that very moment. Fuck you Tumblr, now I look like that creepy white guy who can’t even go half an hour in a library without having to feed his porn addiction. I am way too charming and respectable for that; I was planning on waiting until I got home.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d let you all in on the idea I have been developing for a big budget porno.

I’m going big with this one. It’s called: “Jesus, the porno.” My knowledge of art history from such artworks as Andres Serrano’s ‘Piss Christ’ achieving him worldwide notoriety will mean that this will no doubt be the most discussed porno of all time, providing me priceless publicity.

Jesus travels across the desert, and sexy men and women wearing loin cloths run out to him and embrace him, telling him about how they have never had an orgasm, or are like “Jesus, fuck my wife! I would be so honoured for you to fuck my wife, I give her to you tonight!”

Things like that and there’s a big lead up before you finally get to see Jesus’ cock and he doesn’t disappoint, he is absolutely massive, longer even than his beard and every woman he sleeps with squirts for hours and can’t walk properly because of the multiple orgasms, which makes their legs go wobbly but once Jesus shoots his holy load on their face they are healed and can walk back to normal.

So everyone with illness and stuff are all fighting for Jesus’ sacred semen since it possesses super powers. Little desert girls are like ” my dad has leprosy and cannot walk, I need to bring some of your load to him so he can be cured!” Cue a blowjob scene which ends up with 4 litres of sperm on her face which she funnels into her trusty rucksack

Types of pornos I like

• The ones where a husband has to watch as a guy from the porno company who paid to fuck his wife, fucks his wife in front of her and puts his finger up and is like “fuck you I’m fucking your wife!”

• The ones where a unsuspecting young female goes to what she thinks is an agent who can get her work in the porn industry but is really just a guy who is really good at lying who films himself fucking young women and says things like: “Okay, if you wanna get paid $1000, $2000 dollars a day then, I’m going to have to see you naked. It’s a very important part of the job so c’mon, take off your clothes.”
• The ones where a guy with a camera is following a pretty girl around an Eastern European country and he makes polite small talk for 100s of metres which she responds to and he eventually asks if she would flash her boobs to the camera for $100 bucks and when she sounds hesitant he doubles it so she does. Then offers more money to give him a blow job and then even more to fornicate with him. The same goes in this style with Latino maids in rich guy’s houses except the Latino maids are way more annoying.
• The ones where a guy in a house is caught masturbating in the bathroom by his mum’s hot older friend and instead of being horrified she’s all like: “Damn Jamie! You have got a beautiful cock! Let me find out what it tastes like, yum!” And proceeds to give him the mother of all blowjobs.
• The ones at college parties in America where one passionate couple decide to get naked on the couch and have sex in front of everybody at the party, who proceed to make a circle around the and cheer them on and walk up and ask if they’d like more beer.
• Ones where a high voiced woman with pigtails comes on to the set and she’s like “I’ve only slept with two guys before!” and suddenly has to sleep with a 12 inch long African-American guy named something like ‘Blackzilla’ or ‘Mandingo’ and takes the whole length of his shiny black wang into her poop hole like a boss.
• The ones where not only does a girl have to take a whole group of men’s cum on her face (bukkake) but they have a funnel pointed into her eye where the majority of the blokes shoot in to. Whilst hordes of naked males are high fiving each other, tossin’ their rods next to dozens of their buddies and hurriedly jog over to the kneeling woman when it’s time to come. I have a lot of respect for ladies who do things like this. It would take a lot of self confidence and inner strength. They definitely can never receive enough credit.